TARA MANDARANO
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • Published Work

A Publishing Dream of Mine Comes True...

3/1/2020

1 Comment

 
Picture
Today I saw my words published in print in not one, but TWO bookshops! What a BIG dream to come true for me! In the first Indigo/Chapters I visited today, I ran into my ultra-cool high school English teacher and his lovely wife. It made me realize again how many wonderful people have inspired me and encouraged me to keep writing over the years.
.
Thank you to everyone who said I had a good voice, or that I made them cry, or that I helped them through a difficult experience. You have been cheering me on and keeping me going, especially during this past year, when my chronic pain and mental health were tested to their limits.
.
Your comments, likes, private messages and feedback in real life have meant so much.
.
I'm so thrilled and grateful to be part of such a positive and exciting experience! It has given me greater self-confidence as a writer and as a woman, and a fierce determination to keep reaching for the stars!

If you're interested in purchasing BIG, here's how:

Amazon
https://www.amazon.ca/Big-Stories-about-Plus-S…/…/1773860216
.
Chapters/Coles/Indigo
https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/…/bi…/9781773860213-item.html
.
Caitlin Press
Caitlin-Press.com/our-books/big
.
If you're in the U.S., you can preorder on:
.
Amazon
https://www.amazon.com/Big-Stories-about-Plus-Sized-Bodi…/…/
.
Barnes and Noble
.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/big-christina-…/1132740881…
.
And for those who prefer the independents, Powell's in Portland has it:

https://www.powells.com/book/-9781773860213…
.
And If you're in the UK, you can preorder on:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Big-Stories-about-Plu…/…/ref=sr_1_2?
1 Comment

BIG Is Out In The World!

2/21/2020

1 Comment

 
Picture
I AM SO BESIDE MYSELF with excitement! Today I'm holding a copy of the beautiful BIG anthology in my hands! My words, my name, and my thoughts are all here on paper, for all the world to see! What a glorious feeling.
.
Sharing space with all these other incredible contributors is such an honour. I can't wait to dive into their stories and essays and explore the excellent company I'm in.
.
Thank you again to my editor Christina Myers for believing in my writing, and to Caitlin Press, the publishing company full of lovely employees who made all this book magic happen!
..
If you're interested in buying or checking out a copy, you can go into your local bookshop or library and ask them to order one in.
.
If you want to purchase BIG: Stories about Life in Plus-sized Bodies online and you live in Canada, you have a few different options:
.
Amazon
https://www.amazon.ca/Big-Stories-about-Plus-Sized-Bodies/dp/1773860216
.
Chapters/Coles/Indigo
https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/big-stories-about-life-in/9781773860213-item.html
.
Caitlin Press
Caitlin-Press.com/our-books/big
.
If you're in the U.S., you can preorder on:
.
Amazon
https://www.amazon.com/Big-Stories-about-Plus-Sized-Bodies/dp/1773860216/
.
Barnes and Noble
.
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/big-christina-myers/1132740881?ean=9781773860213
.
And for those who prefer the independents, Powell's in Portland has it:

https://www.powells.com/book/-9781773860213?fbclid=IwAR2VJa5LaHiv5y86M3V9GjEnuFEEgNIChWW_jI54nOK5v4_J1JKEXR9FDAw
.
And If you're in the UK, you can preorder on:
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Big-Stories-about-Plus-Sized-Bodies/dp/1773860216/ref=sr_1_2?

1 Comment

What Real Love Looks Like

11/5/2019

3 Comments

 
Picture
A real relationship is two flawed people refusing to give up on each other. It's encountering everyday obstacles and unexpected hurdles and finding a way through them together.

It's talking it out when you'd rather give each other the silent treatment. It's listening to the other side of the story when you believe yours is the only valid perspective.

It's holding hands and hugging it out after an argument. It's hanging on for dear life when you go through emotional hell and feel totally beside yourself.

It's finding time for each other at the end of the day, when you're feeling fraught and spent and just want to read a book or scroll through your phone.

It's putting away your phone.
It's not hiding things on your phone.

It's being together in the same room even when you feel galaxies apart. It's building a bridge between hurt feelings and new beginnings even though it's so, so hard.

It's having fierce conversations that feel like therapy sessions. It's saying all the stuff that's been festering in your head for months. It's getting it all out so you can authentically go on.

It's sitting together in the darkness and letting it wash over both of you until a speck of light appears.

A fractured heart glowing in the dark.
A spark of hope.

It's moving toward new starts and mutual forgiveness.

Real love is a daily choice. A conscious commitment. Not using the exit clause when things get tough or you're just tired of dealing with it.

It's being open to the possibility of falling in love not once, but many times with your partner, as you both grow and evolve and become different versions of yourself.

It's being there in sickness and in health. It's being mindful of balancing who does what in the house. Doing your share. Helping out.

It's not putting everything on your partner's plate. It's not being surprised when they turn out to be human and start to break.

It's dealing with depression, anxiety, anger and biploar disorder. It's being patient when chronic pain tries to come between you. It's talking your person down when they are a natural worrier.

Real love is wonderful and natural, but sometimes it's pretty damn awful. It demands you reveal all your invisible wounds and scars. It's admitting your frailty and faults, and all the shit in your past you haven't addressed yet.

It's about consciously maintaining your bond and keeping your relationship strong, even when the storms swirl in and your roof is leaking and you discover you have a shaky foundation.

Real love includes rages, arguments and disagreements. It also brings to light any jealousy and insecurities.

But it's how you make your partner feel better that matters. What you do to make amends. How you try and capture the desire and romance again, so you don't end up just being roommates or friends.

It's loving someone at their worst and cradling them at their weakest. It's listening when they don't deserve it, witnessing their pain and acknowledging your own part in it.

It's remembering why you fell for each other in the first place, before kids, marriage, mortgages and play dates.

It's looking into each other's eyes and still seeing your person, the one being on this planet that you want to go through this wild adventure with.

It's a hand on your lower back. Being considerate. Swallowing the petty things. Accepting where you are on your relationship map.

It's welcoming your love's hand over yours and pledging your commitment all over again. It's vowing to do your best as you jump eyes open and fingers crossed into the unknown.

Real love. It's difficult. It's worth it. It's a choice.
3 Comments

BIG News!

7/25/2019

1 Comment

 
Picture
So guess whose essay has been chosen for publication in BIG: Stories about Life in Plus-Sized Bodies, an anthology by Caitlin Press coming out in early 2020?
.
At first I was hesitant about even submitting, as I didn't know if there was a strict guide about what's considered "plus-sized." Floating somewhere between a size 12 and a size 14 on any given day, I wasn't sure where that put me exactly, but psychologically, I feel that I don't fit what society deems "ideal," and I am not always comfortable in my body.
.
I'm so grateful and excited for yet another milestone on the road to writing success. This essay forced me to confront all my raw feelings about my body and how much my critical inner voice affects me. Exploring the messy intersection between a woman's weight and her sense of self-worth is not easy, but I learned a lot about myself by writing my way through it.
.
I can't wait to work with my fabulous editor Christina Myers, and see all these much-needed stories out in the world. Stay tuned for pre-sales/orders information!
.
http://caitlin-press.com/our-books/big/​

1 Comment

The Strange House of Motherhood

5/13/2019

1 Comment

 
Picture
When I became a parent, I began a life-changing journey into uncharted territory. Caring for a newborn was like walking into a strange house blindfolded. There were no blueprints to consult, no floor plan to get my bearings. Everywhere I turned, there were missing stairs and secret spaces that led to unexpected emotions and tears. With my history of psychological and physical health issues, the foundation of the structure felt shaky, the ground uneven.

I'm honoured to share my latest essay, "The Strange House of Motherhood," which is part of an amazing new anthology called "A Mother Knows.” Please check it out if you have a moment, and let me know if you can relate. I hope it helps someone know they're not alone.
1 Comment

Why Maternal Mental Health Matters So Much To Me

5/3/2019

6 Comments

 
Picture
My daughter was five-and-a-half weeks old when my husband captured this moment of me breastfeeding in my sister's bedroom on Christmas Day. It was 2013, and at the ripe old gestational age of 36, I had finally gotten the baby girl I had so desperately wanted and prayed for.

This looks like my Gisele moment, nursing my child while jauntily wearing a Santa hat, one leg propped casually on the bed for support. I am smiling. I have lost all the baby weight and then some. I seem happy.

Maybe I was in that moment. Maybe my colicky daughter was latching correctly for once. Maybe there was sufficient milk supply that day. Maybe I was just content to escape all the people downstairs talking at me and fussing over the baby. My family.

I was actually in the throes of postpartum depression underneath this mommy-bliss expression. I am dressed up in a cute blazer and skirt, showing off my tiny waist and Steve Madden boots, but really, I am deep in the trenches of postpartum anxiety.

This week is World Maternal Mental Health Week, and this photo is part of my motherhood story. A single, early snapshot of my transformative and magical journey. It was an incredibly difficult emotional time for me, and being overwhelmed about becoming a mum made me feel incredibly abnormal and guilty.

Now I can look back at that new mum and newborn baby and experience a healing feeling of empathy. It is normal and common for many women to feel this way, not just me. But we need to talk about it more, and not shroud it in such feminine secrecy.

We also need to feel comfortable asking for help from our friends and family. We need proper postpartum support and care, and access to medication and therapy. These are the things that saved me.

These are the things that saved me.
6 Comments

How To Love a Woman With Chronic Illness

1/16/2019

16 Comments

 
Picture
LOVE is your husband working at your make-up table in the master bedroom, instead of at a much larger desk in the den, because he wants you to have as much access to natural daylight as possible. To get whatever glimpses of the sun's rays you can when you're feeling the gloomy effects of Seasonal Affective Disorder/Bipolar Depression.

LOVE is your husband not even moving your boxes of jewelry and other scattered paraphernalia around on that tiny desk, because it would disrupt your stuff, and he's considerate like that. Instead, he simply works around it and gamely folds his body into a feminine-looking chair. Just like he works around your fibromyalgia, anxiety attacks, PMDD, up-and-down moods, and your constant requests to hear that everything will eventually be okay in the end.

LOVE is your husband always loading and unloading the dishwasher, making most meals and taking on the majority of parenting when you're having pain-filled days or feeling extra low due to your bipolar 2 disorder. Chronic illness doesn't equate to easy times or interludes in any marriage, but despite both of your bone-deep frustration with your sometimes-sucky situation, you always make up and just get on with it.

LOVE is thirty loads of laundry, an unmade bed, and lost heads. It often involves raised voices, defeated tears and slammed doors. But it is also cuddling after your kid finally goes to bed, just resting your head on your husband's shoulder, feeling his heart beat out a steady rhythm, and letting your worries float away into the ether.

LOVE is your partner in life listening to your catastrophic thoughts and bringing you back down to earth, coming up with reasonable-sounding plans and not minding when you feel like sleeping with the stuffed animal you had since you were two, just for some extra comfort.

LOVE is mysterious pelvic pain after surgery, driving to endless doctor's appointments and prescription pick-ups. It's dealing daily with your wife's concurrent health afflictions. Often it feels more one-sided. It can be heavy and imbalanced at times, and one partner may wilt under the weight of so much caring and responsibility. It is a lot to constantly carry around your wife's chronic illnesses - physical or mental - and nobody is a saint with endless patience and goodwill. But your husband comes close.

LOVE is couple's therapy and talking it out and making the first move to speak about uncomfortable, awkward things you'd rather bury under the dirty carpet. It's owning your vibes and your words, and all the things you say with your looks and sighs and silence.
​
LOVE is being the bigger person in your marriage, being the first person to reach out, trudging down the stairs late at night to hash it out, so you both won't go to bed mad, full of resentment and hurt in your hearts.

LOVE is appreciating when you have the best damn husband in the whole wide world, and wanting to be a better wife, just to reach his level of goodness, even if he's nowhere near perfect and only human, just like you, with flaws and weaknesses and maddening habits like leaving crumbs all over the counter.
​
LOVE is looking past those crumbs on the counter. The hairs in the sink. The compost and recycling boxes still at the end of the driveway after two days. It's pushing all that pointless shit to one side and saying THANK GOD for this Mediterranean dish who walked into your life in 2008, pursued you with a stubbornness you still treasure to this day, and has STAYED with you and supported you in this weird and unwanted world of chronic illness. Every time you see a freshly made hot water bottle or an uplifting post-it  note stuck on your computer, it is then that you realize that you have, in fact, been infinitely blessed.
16 Comments

I Love My Body, but I Want To Be Comfortable In It.

12/5/2018

1 Comment

 
Picture
Last night I attended an eye-opening workshop hosted by the lovely @thebodyloveco at HER Place. It was about loving our bodies as they are, letting go of the constant stream of negative thoughts we may have about them, and healing ourselves from past hurts.

I went to this event in the middle of a fibromyalgia flare, so I wasn't feeling too happy with my knees and ankles or back when it started, since I was in discomfort and pain.

How do you embrace a bag of bones that always seems to be aching? It's an ongoing struggle when you have a chronic illness.

On a scale of 1 to 10 on how much I loved my body, I gave myself a 3. I filled out another questionnaire and found out I'm in the "body loather" category. This made me sad.

My husband was shocked when I came home and showed him my results, but I wasn't. I haven't really been friends with my body in the past 10 years or so, ever since fibro made its appearance in my life and my weight fluctuated 30-40 pounds from the effects of pregnancy, PCOS, prediabetes and insulin resistance.

I still remember a kind woman congratulating me on my second pregnancy a couple years ago when there was no baby in my belly, just extra bulk. It stung, but I could see where she was coming from.

Now I just want to work on continuing to show up for myself, and not criticising my body, either verbally or mentally. Also, I don't want to hide from my husband when I change clothes.

I'm learning that I can be kinder to myself while still working on myself and trying to lose weight. That's what taking selfies is all about for me. A radical visual example of self love. Maybe I don't show my tummy or hips that much, but I focus on the parts of me that I AM happy with, and it's enough.
1 Comment

Braided Together

7/25/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture
Have you ever wandered through the world
and wondered why you're here?
 
I wish I knew. But this little girl is my tether today.
A teacher wrapped up in a four-year-old's body.
And she's pulling me through.
 
As for our troubles, let's just let them float away,
like party balloons set free,
​no longer weighted down by sadness.
 
We don't need to anchor our fear anymore.
Let the sky claim all our anxieties.
Let the sun's rays calm our souls.
 
Because you and me,
we don't always have to be waiting
for the next axe to fall.
 
Hurt will happen, but we can still find pockets
of beauty and whimsy in this treasure hunt of life,
if we look closely.
 
We need to shed our shells and masks
and stop fighting ourselves.
 
We come from star-stuff, my supernova,
and we are good enough to be here and take up space,
just as we are.
 
So let's forget about our power struggles over breakfast,
and eat more rainbow ice cream instead.
Let's stop worrying about everything we cannot control
inside and out there, and just take solace
in colouring a beautiful picture together.
 
We can navigate the blues
with pinks and yellows and purples,
I promise.
 
The strands of our hearts have been braided together
and intertwined with unconditional love since
well before you took residence in my womb.
 
Butting heads on a daily basis won't break our bond.
Either will me taking to my bed.
 
The pain is not permanent, little one, for either of us.
Soon I will let mine go, just like those colourful birthday balloons
that slip out of our fingers when we're not looking,
and move quickly and quietly into the sky.
0 Comments

My Role as Mental Health Advocate

5/4/2018

0 Comments

 
Picture
So I did it. Last night I gathered my courage, and the words I'd written about my mental health journey, and I set them free at the Beam On exhibit in a room inside the Old Town Hall in Newmarket. Surrounded by beautiful artwork, I added my voice to the visual manifestations of mental illness. And I was heard.
 
It's one thing to share your story on the screen, to send it out into the internet ether and let your words speak for themselves. It's a whole other world when you get up in front of a microphone and let people peek at your heart for six minutes straight. But I did it, and I couldn’t be more proud of my role as a mental health advocate. I met so many lovely, encouraging souls last evening, and it meant the world to have my favourite people on the planet in the audience. Thank you to my mum, dad and sister for showing up for me, like they always do.
 
When my husband first suggested we bring our four-year-old daughter, Eve, to the event, I wasn't sure. Would she be bored? Would there be any other kids there? Would it run past her bedtime? But Michael didn't care about any of that. He simply wanted Eve to see her mama being brave and giving a talk that might help some other people.
 
There are so many days when I feel like a parent on the sidelines, not participating in things because of fluctuating moods or chronic pain, so it felt wonderful for me to show her what I CAN do, for a change. How I can contribute to an important conversation, raise awareness and show people what it looks like to survive a collision with mental illness. How it's possible come out of the darkness to the other side and tell your story as part of the healing process.
 
My favourite part of the night was when I finished my speech. As soon as the audience started applauding, my darling girl excitedly ran up to me and presented me with a single flower. Later on, Michael told me she what she whispered to him afterward: "Mama did a good job of not being shy in front of all those people." As compliments go, I'll take it.
0 Comments
<<Previous
    Picture

    Tara Mandarano

    is a writer, editor, and poet. Her writing ​has been nominated for the Best-of-the Net, and has appeared in The Washington Post, Huffington Post, Today's Parent, and Motherwell, among numerous other publications. She is a passionate patient advocate in the chronic pain and mental health communities. She also does on-camera interviews, and most recently shared her experience of what it's like to go through a separation during a pandemic. She graduated from Ryerson University with a degree in Journalism. Interested in her writing or editing, or want to work together? Check out her contact page. Don't forget to follow her on Twitter,  Instagram. and LinkedIn.

      Never miss a post!

    Subscribe to Newsletter

    Archives

    March 2020
    February 2020
    November 2019
    July 2019
    May 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    July 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    January 2018
    November 2017
    September 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015

    Categories

    All

    RSS Feed

    Picture
    I'm Published by Mamalode!
    Picture
Proudly powered by Weebly
  • Blog
  • Contact
  • Published Work