​With you around, life was always full of extremes.

"I love you the most, Mama," I remember you confessing with a conspiratorial smile one night before bed. You tossed it out almost casually, like a gift. It was our secret.

A few days later, you took it back.

"I don't love you anymore, Mama!" you screamed one frigid night Papa put together a wooden car for you he bought in New York. You decorated it together, with your current favourite colours, blue and yeh-yow.

It seemed like your previous passions of pink and purple had been cruelly forgotten, cast aside, just like my top status in your heart.

What I did that night thirty years ago to offend you, I don't remember. I just recall the ice pick sticking out of my chest at your childlike utterance.

​The way you sat on the stairs outside my room and watched me silently cry, eventually crawling into the room and into my embrace so I could make YOU feel better.

Many years and tears have passed since those innocent, throwaway words, and more mature hurts have sprung up between us. The usual mother-daughter battles we are destined and blessed to go through together.

Not everything is a state of emergency anymore. That I am grateful for. My current ticker couldn't take the excitement. I am old and relieved to be free of certain things like tantrums and slammed doors, but I still remember the way you used to pronounce the word "world" like a man from the 1940s. It would come out sounding weirdly wonderful, like "wieuld," and there was nothing better I'd ever heard.

When you were four, you would always skip the number 15 when counting to 20, no matter how many times we reminded you of its existence. You would also cheat constantly at Snakes 'N Ladders, all coy eyes and side grins. I let you win most of the time, for my own peace of mind. If I didn't, you'd turn your back on me and pout out the window. Or immediately demand a rematch. We must have played it eight thousand times. My knees and hips wouldn't survive that wooden floor now.

I don't have to prepare your breakfast anymore, or cajole you to eat something other than crackers. Do you still prefer Cheerios in the morning and shredded cheese and nectarines for dinner? I wonder if your kids will also be picky eaters. You can blame your father for that. You got that gene from him.

Sometimes when Papa and I are sick of playing cards or watching documentaries or just seeing our own faces, we watch videos of you. Back when you had baby teeth and baby thumbs you still sucked at night.

Now your woman's hands remind me of my own, before time and age spots took them hostage. I wish I could hold yours more. I remember painting your nails for the first time, with cheap Frozen polish that came off nearly as quick as it went on. Now it is you taking my arm as we cross the street. Your eyes that scan the roads for any potential danger.  That used to be my job.

It seems like we have switched places in so many ways.

I remember when you got your first ear infection, how you couldn't hear properly for weeks afterwards. "Talk louder, Mama!" you would shout angrily, thinking I was plotting to annoy you. Your father and I would have to hold you down and force the medicine down your throat. Sometimes the ordeal could last a good 20 minutes while you took breaks and deep breaths.

Now it's me with the bad hearing. I long to listen to you hum under your breath. I wouldn't even mind your incessant questions, your constant "why?"s. Your quick video calls these days just aren't the same as seeing you up close, seated beside me on the couch. When you come home on Sundays and lean in and talk into my good ear, it feels like love. It feels like you never left the nest.

It's the only time my heart doesn't hurt in my chest.

I remember that old intimacy we had when I was still young and you were a small child. The way you would depend on me for everything. How you would curl up in my lap for comfort. The way I would croon and rock you back and forth, soothing away a world of hurts with only my arms and heart.

I felt so powerful then, so full of womanly focus and purpose. I was a lioness.

I know you feel the distance, the pain of being growing up. Sometimes you still bury your face in my neck and pull me close when the loneliness gets too much.

There are days when it feels like all I have left are aches and pains and crosswords. Pills and doctor's appointments. There are no more forks in the road for me, just rest and reflection. There is a time for living, and a time for introspection.

​Now I get to sip chai tea all day long and finally get around to reading all those books I bought and piled in a tower in the bedroom. I await your visits and the possibility of grandchildren and ponder all the lines on my old lady hands, the ones that have led me to you, my unconditional love.

​There can either be saudade or glory
In this hilly, ancient city crammed
With tiles and custard tarts

As my new age slyly winds its way
Around the corners of my eyes. 

My old self is a mirage. 
I am fuller of figure now, 
With little lights of grey matter
Fizzling out like birthday wishes
After all the candles have melted down. 

During this decade, I got hitched and had a baby in the wrong order,
which turned out to be the only way my fate could unfold. 

My thirty-something identity has peaked,
along with my hips and fertility.
These days, my body is mostly beyond me,
but my heart, that treacherous, wondrous muscle of mine, 
it's still a miracle, 
and it keeps the time just fine. 

Pounding up six flights of stairs
To a stranger's flat in Lisbon, 
It reminds me to pause and breathe 
In the memory of everything 
unfurling

During this unseasonably warm November,
when she is teetering on the precipice of girlhood 
while climbing on a foreign playground

And I am inhaling one-euro wine 
while holding hands with my hero, 
who is disguised as my husband,
plotting which bookshop we should hit next. 

Today I am happy and excited to be a freelance writer. Often there are stretches of time when work is light or even non-existent. Contracts come and go. Contacts disappear. There is no sure footing in the freelance world, no stable paycheque to hang your hat on every two weeks.

And yet, despite all this, the lifestyle fits. It works for me. The more I do it, the more I wonder how much it's about the flow of energy. It seems to go better for me when I think positively, and even embrace the uncertainty.

Recently, I had a bunch of pitches rejected from a magazine I've published with in the past. I was beginning to lose hope that I would ever have anything accepted by them again. And then, a couple weeks ago, a month after sending my last idea into the void, I heard back. Green light!

Today I interviewed a woman who's created a web series for the CBC about her infertility journey. And do you know the wonderful, most surprising thing? It's absurdly and hilariously funny! For me, it's such a refreshing take on what's usually such a sad and heartbreaking story.

Of course I checked the Voice app on my phone was working before she called. My husband even got involved, showing me what to do (since I usually do interviews through my computer—weird, I know).

So do you know what happened when she called? The bloody record function wouldn't work! Now, my already-anxious mind was already busy sending my nerves into a frenzy, so it's probably the last thing I wanted to happen at this particular moment.

Luckily, I have a techie-inclined (or just fast-thinking) hubby who works at home with me. Instead of letting the panic win, I simply told my interviewee about my technical difficulties and laughed it off while he dashed down to the basement to get his tablet (which had working Voice app).

In recent years, I've really learned that sharing any type of vulnerability instantly makes me more real to other people. When I confessed my initial recording woes, the woman I was interviewing told me that she was actually feeling under the weather, and shared a bit of herself with me.

I am so excited to watch this TV show she's created, and perhaps see some of my own steps on the infertility journey reflected back at me. I followed her on Twitter the other day to get a sense of her writing, and today she made my day by saying she had read MY article, the one that just got nominated for Best of the Net. She even called herself a "big fan"!

It's an amazingly beautiful feeling when another writer you respect validates your own scribbling—never mind someone who's just written a television series. It helps soothe the sting from getting rejected from The New Yorker yesterday (lofty ambitions, I know).

So today I am grateful to be a journalist, an essayist and a reporter of this mysterious thing called life. I'm happy for the fall sun shining outside my window as I work. I'm glad to be feeling well and able to document the good things about being a writer. I am also pushing myself to write more about things that really interest me.

Next week I'll be interviewing an author, a first for me. I read her memoir recently, and decided to reach out through her website and see if I could snag an interview. Her PR person got back to me quickly, and said yes. I wouldn't even have had the idea if it weren't for an ex-colleague, who got in touch recently to ask if I was still freelancing. Today I thank her for thinking of me.
​
Freelance life is all about connecting—making new connections and nurturing old contacts. Keeping in touch. It's a empowering feeling to feel like you're helping to write your own happiness, your own life story. Today, I thank you—each and every one of you beautiful souls—for coming along on the journey with me.

I'm thrilled and honoured that one of my personal essays has been nominated for the Best of the Net! "If I Don't Have More Than One Child, Am I Still A Good Mother?" is about the biggest decision I've ever made in my life, and how I wrote my way through it.
It was difficult to put myself out there in such a vulnerable way, to share all the secret thoughts and the dark moments that lived in my heart, but it was oh, so worth it. I've never received such an amazing response to one of my articles before.

The amount of complete strangers who contacted me to share their stories blew me away. Other ordinary women and mothers, just like me, who had struggled with the same question, and the same conflicting feelings. I felt such comfort and strength from these other mothers who were walking a similar path, and I never would have received such gifts without baring my heart online.

A huge thank you to Julianne Palumbo and Michelle Riddell for the nomination and validation. The Mothers Always Write site is such a beautiful, nurturing home for women's writing, and I encourage all my writer friends to submit there.

​I haven't been putting pen to paper as much recently, with different freelance contracts and day jobs, but this nomination inspires me to put my creative hat back on again. What a thrill this is! In case anyone's wondering, Best of the Net is a yearly anthology of the best poetry, fiction and nonfiction on the web.

Back when Eve was a baby and I was skinny. It's funny how most mothers say they struggle to lose weight after pregnancy, when my story is so different.

I gained 35 pounds over the nine-plus months of waiting for my baby, but it didn't really bother me. It was within the healthy range. I remember happily existing on bagels and Pringles and spaghetti. I couldn't stomach chicken or salmon, or anything remotely healthy or good for me.

I was so anxious that I didn't start actually showing until my fifth month of pregnancy. I thought there was something wrong with me, or the baby. Now I realize it just took a while to show on my then-slim frame. After month five, though, there was no turning back, and my body blossomed and housed a miraculous magic show in my womb.

I was as shocked as anyone when I promptly lost those 35 pounds of pregnancy weight in about a month after giving birth. I was breastfeeding, but my supply was incredibly low, so we were also supplementing with formula.

I probably didn't take care of myself as well as I could have at the time by eating regularly, but I was consumed by the fact that my daughter was constantly starving and extremely colicky. Postpartum depression also had me in its teeth.

When I gave up breastfeeding at four months and got my sense of self back, I also began taking the birth control pill again. Within a few months the number on the scale started to creep up and my clothes were no longer hanging off of me. I didn't mind being 138 pounds. I still felt comfortable in my skin, and I knew I looked healthy.

Now it's three years later, and I'm no longer under 140, or even 150. It's tough to know if there are any other culprits in my weight gain besides me. Do antidepressants increase the chances of putting on pounds and stimulating your appetite? Maybe. Does stress eating and carb-loading (especially at certain times of the month) hurt? Definitely.

In the last few months I've noticed myself experiencing scary low blood sugar episodes where I'll feel my heart pounding rapidly and my craving for something sweet skyrocketing. My hands will start shaking and I'll have to stop whatever I'm doing to get some juice into me. These crashes led me to my naturopath, who thought it would be a good idea to order insulin testing.

On doctor's orders, I went to McDonald's one morning and ate the entire pancake and maple syrup breakfast, every last sickeningly sweet bite. Two hours later, I got my blood taken. The results showed my insulin was about two times what it should have been, which means my body is producing a lot of extra insulin just to try and deal with the sugar hitting my bloodstream.

I have an appointment with an endocrinologist in the fall, but it's sort of been a wake-up call. Since I have polycystic ovaries (PCOS), it puts me at an increased risk for type-2 diabetes. It's scary to think I could be heading down that path and putting my health in jeopardy.

I'll find out more in October, but for now I'm trying to make small changes and start healthier eating habits. It's really hard to say no to that caramel Frappuccino on a hot day. It's so easy to toast a bagel for breakfast in the morning. It's tempting to stay inside when it's raining and not bother walking.

But none of these things are helping me. Going low-carb is intimidating, and I worry that I'll always be hungry, but if it fixes my fatigue and crashes and cravings for sweets, it would be worth it to give up bread and pasta and potatoes.

I've learned to accept and embrace my body in all its incarnations over the years, and I know having a baby will change your shape forever, but I just want to be comfortable in my own skin again. I don't want a big belly, or to feel my pants pinching. I want to be able to keep up with my daughter when she's running.

I don't need to be a size two or four or six, but I'd like to drop a couple sizes. I could care less about fitting into skinny jeans, but maybe putting my intentions on social media will help me hold myself accountable, even though it's tough to reveal such vulnerability.

​I know my girl and my husband love me whatever weight I am, but I want to be more at ease with the woman I see in the mirror. I don't want to keep having to buy new clothes that fit me or feel self-conscious about what people think when they see me. It's terrible when you feel like you've lost control of your body, so I'm determined to try some new things and see if I can get back to feeling like me.

"Mama, I'm not a superhero."

She confesses it as I'm tucking her into bed at the end of the day, when my patience is at its thinnest.

"My belly's telling me I'm not the fastest runner. Not at the park. Not at school. Not anywhere."

It amazes me how a three year old can experience anxiety in her solar plexus. Her gut is worried that she isn't good enough, that she's not measuring up. How early our insecurities set in.

"You DO have superpowers," I insist. "You can run like the wind. You can dance up a storm. You can sing in a big loud voice."

She's not buying it. She doesn't believe she can be Batgirl anymore. These traits aren't anything special to her. To me, though, they're everything. I don't care that I'm probably not supposed to tell her she's extra-special, or out of the ordinary. I've thrown that parenting rule right out the window, along with a bunch of others.

When your child is predisposed to doubt herself and struggles mightily with self-esteem, you find yourself saying anything to boost them up, to help them bloom.

When she says we have to buy more superpowers, I sigh.

Self-confidence is not something I can purchase for her at the mall. I tell her it's already inside of her. She just needs to find a way to get it out.

But she's not having any of it.

So when she insists that her superpowers are stuck in the ceiling, I make a production out of pulling them down and magically putting them back in her belly. She giggles and I remind her not to let them wiggle out.

Oh, if only I could do this for her for all of her days. But I can't. She's becoming more self-aware, more inclined to judge herself in comparison to her classmates. The other day she said she didn't like her name; she wanted to be called Georgia instead, like the little girl at her school who's super-social.

"Do you know what Wonder Woman's real name is?" I asked her.

She shook her head, but I could sense she knew where this was heading.

"It's Eve. A beautiful name for a strong superhero."

Now when we see Wonder Woman promoted everywhere we go, she gives me a secret smile that says she remembers.

Her identity is safe with me.

The world, in its cruel-but-kind way, will make her forget that she has any superpowers soon enough. It will test her courage and strip her of her golden cape, forcing her to dig deep and find the strength to fly.

​For now, I will do everything I can to instil faith and confidence in my girl. Every time she takes off her protective mask and talks openly to our friends and family, I see glimmers of the daring young woman she's bound to become.