TARA MANDARANO
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If Only Women's Day Were Every Day

3/8/2017

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What does it mean to be a woman in the world today? It depends on where you live. What colour skin you have. Who runs your society. Your access to money and opportunities. How old you are.

Today is a day for us. All the girls, ladies and beings who identify as women. It's important that we take a moment from the calendar to stand together and celebrate who we are. Because the world needs to know how much we matter—perhaps now more than ever.

I didn't realize I was supposed to wear red in solidarity. It doesn't matter. I wear my red hair with pride every day. I don't have to cover it up or conceal it. But I respect another woman's choice to do so, as long as it's what SHE wants.

At the end of the day, we all just want to enjoy the basic human freedoms as men, no matter where we live. We want to be able to dream big. We want to create. Sometimes that involves children; sometimes it's art and songs and poems and things that have nothing to do with the pitter patter of little feet.

We want to be able to express ourselves and speak up for what's right without fear of retribution or isolation. We want the future to be more female-focused, instead of just adhering to the patriarchy pattern that's gone on for too many generations.

For me, on a personal level, I want my daughter to feel more safe and secure when she inherits the world. I want her to encounter boys and men who respect her as a person. I want her to hear less of the common stereotypical refrains about women.

I want to help give her the confidence and guts to deal with the random sexist insults that will come her way no matter how far we progress in the next twenty years. The remarks about her looks, her clothes, her mood, her smarts.

We don't even realize how ingrained this anti-women bullshit is in our society until we really take a step back and look at it. She will be fine whether she loves men or women or likes to be on her own. She doesn't need a man or a diet or a pill just because she's got estrogen instead of testosterone.

She can wear truck pajamas and play with cars as long as she wants. It doesn't make her any less feminine. It also doesn't mean that she can't enjoy My Little Pony and princess dresses at the same time.

She is three years old and she can kick a soccer ball like nobody's business. So yes, she kicks like a girl. She's also beautifully sensitive and emotional—like a girl. As a woman and her mother, I would never want to take these wonderful qualities away from her. They don't make her less. They make her who she is.

The world needs more kindness, more nurturing, more caring. That's where we come in.

All throughout my pregnancy, I was convinced I was having a boy. He never materialized, but I now know what I would have tried to teach him had he arrived.

I would have told him to focus on a woman's eyes instead of her pant size. I would have let him know how disrespectful catcalls are. I would have made sure he knew the bad words were "bitch" and "slut," not "feminism" and "hormonal."

I would have made sure he knew exactly what he DIDN'T have to go through in society, simply because he had the XY chromosome combination.

I can't mother the sons I don't have, but I can strive to be a good example to my daughter as she grows into womanhood. I won't call her catty or tell her to smile or judge her on her weight. But that means I need to hold myself to the same standards and show her I love myself.

So the next time someone asks me when I'm having a second child, I'll politely tell them it's none of their business. I don't have to "calm down" or "relax" when I'm in the middle of debating something; I just need to stand my ground.

I can wear comfortable, shapeless clothes or something sexy that shows off my curves. My outfits aren't made for men's consumption. If I feel like wearing lipstick, I'll do it. It doesn't matter if I'm only going to pick my kid up from daycare.

I can also take a selfie of myself and post it. It doesn't mean I'm "asking for it."

If I have my period, I don't have to hide it. I can talk about it. There's no shame in the natural processes of the female body. We need to get over our reluctance to discuss what affects us. We do make up half of society.

So please join me, today and every day, in persisting and resisting and remembering what it really means to be a woman. WE define who we are and how we want to be treated. We are strong. We BELONG.

The time for silence has passed. So world, hear us roar. Because we're sure as hell not going anywhere.

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Who Does My Husband Think He Is?

3/1/2017

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Ever since I took the Ancestry.com DNA test last year, I've been curious about what my husband might be made of. I mean, he seems 100% Italian. He supports the Azzuri, Italy's national football team. He often talks with his hands. He enjoys a good, sharp piece of Crotonese every now and then.

Both of his parents were born in Calabria, a Southern region in the boot-shaped land famous for its pizza, fashion and godfathers. But the thing is, he doesn't really care for most types of pasta. I know, blasphemous, right? Now, call me crazy, but how could an Italian thoroughbred not love spaghetti and penne and linguine? He'll make an exception for farfalle and ravioli, but still.

It boggles my mind, and breaks his mother's heart.

Sometimes, when I see his lovely olive skin tan effortlessly in the summer, I look at my "porcelain" complexion and want to punch him in the arm. But it also makes me wonder if there's something more to him than just Italia. His heavy-lidded bedroom eyes are uniquely shaped. To me, they almost appear Egyptian. There's also the fact that he's often mistaken for being Lebanese or Israeli. I often refer to him affectionately as my "Mediterranean dish," but is that even accurate?

To my mind, there was only way to find out. So, I bought him the DNA kit for Christmas.

It's not often you can say you've given someone their ethnic makeup and identity, but nothing is too good for my hubby.

We finally got the results yesterday, and they absolutely blew me away. I asked my other half afterwards what he thought they'd be, and he admitted that he thought he'd be 90% Italian, with maybe some North African thrown in (they're close geographically).

Boy, was he wrong! His ethnicity is much more interesting than either of us imagined. And the funny part? None of it overlaps with mine—at all.

He's actually only 59% Italian/Greek (they lump both countries together). It came as a shock to both of us to realize he's only just over half of what we thought he was. No wonder he can't get an Italian passport. And there's always been the fact that while he officially supports the boys in blue come World Cup time, his heart was claimed long ago by a Spanish club called FC Barcelona.

Fun fact: Did you know Greece founded colonies in Sicily and Southern Italy? Me either.

So what else is my man made of?

Well, it turns out the next biggest part of him is Middle Eastern! At 21%, this stunned me in a good way. So what countries does this include, exactly?

Syria, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Oman, Yemen, United Arab Emirates, Lebanon and Israel.

I guess that's why people frequently think he's Lebanese or Israeli. It's cool to find out that there's actually some DNA evidence to back up random strangers' visual theories.


Fun fact: Did you know that while this region is better known for its deserts, you can actually ski at six different resorts in Lebanon?

Next up, at a respectable 12%, is the Caucasus region. This is primarily located in Armenia, Azerbaijan, Georgia, Iran, Syria and Turkey.

This particular result hit me emotionally, especially given our current political climate. At a time when we are singling out a certain group of people and dehumanizing them for the countries they come from, my husband's ancestry result really struck me. 

​We are all from the same places if we go back far enough. And we all have different ethnic pieces in our DNA profiles. If only we could remember that, and focus on our similarities instead of dwelling on our differences, the world would be a much more peaceful place.

Fun fact: The Caucasus region is home to some of the world's most famous empires. Cyrus the Great, who expanded his territories in Iran to create the Persian Empire, was also  known for being religiously and culturally tolerant, and freed the Jews from slavery to the Babylonians.

Speaking of the Jews...it turns out my love is part chosen people!

He's 7% European Jewish, which means some of his ancestors could have come from places like Poland, Belarus, Ukraine, Russia, Hungary or Israel. 

I actually wanted this ancestry result for myself, so I'm happy that I get to live it vicariously through him. Maybe that's why one of his favourite directors is Woody Allen?

Fun fact: Jewish populations from northern and Eastern Europe are known as "Ashkenazi."

Last, but not least, my hubby was actually right about one thing: he does have trace amounts of North African in him. This includes places like Morocco, Algeria, Western Sahara and Libya. 

Fun fact: The majority of people in this region live within about 50 miles of the Atlantic or Mediterranean coasts.

So there we have it. My fella is full of surprising ethnicities. It makes me see him a whole new light. It also makes me wonder:

Is it okay to keep calling him my Italian stallion?
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    Tara Mandarano

    is a writer, editor, and poet. Her writing ​has been nominated for the Best-of-the Net award, and has appeared in The Washington Post, HuffPo, Today's Parent, Los Angeles Review of Books, and Motherwell, among numerous other publications. She is also an advocate in the mental health and chronic illness communities.

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