TARA MANDARANO
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The Strange House of Motherhood

5/13/2019

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When I became a parent, I began a life-changing journey into uncharted territory. Caring for a newborn was like walking into a strange house blindfolded. There were no blueprints to consult, no floor plan to get my bearings. Everywhere I turned, there were missing stairs and secret spaces that led to unexpected emotions and tears. With my history of psychological and physical health issues, the foundation of the structure felt shaky, the ground uneven.

I'm honoured to share my latest essay, "The Strange House of Motherhood," which is part of an amazing new anthology called "A Mother Knows.” Please check it out if you have a moment, and let me know if you can relate. I hope it helps someone know they're not alone.
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Why Maternal Mental Health Matters So Much To Me

5/3/2019

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My daughter was five-and-a-half weeks old when my husband captured this moment of me breastfeeding in my sister's bedroom on Christmas Day. It was 2013, and at the ripe old gestational age of 36, I had finally gotten the baby girl I had so desperately wanted and prayed for.

This looks like my Gisele moment, nursing my child while jauntily wearing a Santa hat, one leg propped casually on the bed for support. I am smiling. I have lost all the baby weight and then some. I seem happy.

Maybe I was in that moment. Maybe my colicky daughter was latching correctly for once. Maybe there was sufficient milk supply that day. Maybe I was just content to escape all the people downstairs talking at me and fussing over the baby. My family.

I was actually in the throes of postpartum depression underneath this mommy-bliss expression. I am dressed up in a cute blazer and skirt, showing off my tiny waist and Steve Madden boots, but really, I am deep in the trenches of postpartum anxiety.

This week is World Maternal Mental Health Week, and this photo is part of my motherhood story. A single, early snapshot of my transformative and magical journey. It was an incredibly difficult emotional time for me, and being overwhelmed about becoming a mum made me feel incredibly abnormal and guilty.

Now I can look back at that new mum and newborn baby and experience a healing feeling of empathy. It is normal and common for many women to feel this way, not just me. But we need to talk about it more, and not shroud it in such feminine secrecy.

We also need to feel comfortable asking for help from our friends and family. We need proper postpartum support and care, and access to medication and therapy. These are the things that saved me.

These are the things that saved me.
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    Tara Mandarano

    is a writer, editor, and poet. Her writing ​has been nominated for the Best-of-the Net award, and has appeared in The Washington Post, HuffPo, Today's Parent, Los Angeles Review of Books, and Motherwell, among numerous other publications. She is also an advocate in the mental health and chronic illness communities.

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