TARA MANDARANO
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How To Love a Woman With Chronic Illness

1/16/2019

16 Comments

 
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LOVE is your husband working at your make-up table in the master bedroom, instead of at a much larger desk in the den, because he wants you to have as much access to natural daylight as possible. To get whatever glimpses of the sun's rays you can when you're feeling the gloomy effects of Seasonal Affective Disorder/Bipolar Depression.

LOVE is your husband not even moving your boxes of jewelry and other scattered paraphernalia around on that tiny desk, because it would disrupt your stuff, and he's considerate like that. Instead, he simply works around it and gamely folds his body into a feminine-looking chair. Just like he works around your fibromyalgia, anxiety attacks, PMDD, up-and-down moods, and your constant requests to hear that everything will eventually be okay in the end.

LOVE is your husband always loading and unloading the dishwasher, making most meals and taking on the majority of parenting when you're having pain-filled days or feeling extra low due to your bipolar 2 disorder. Chronic illness doesn't equate to easy times or interludes in any marriage, but despite both of your bone-deep frustration with your sometimes-sucky situation, you always make up and just get on with it.

LOVE is thirty loads of laundry, an unmade bed, and lost heads. It often involves raised voices, defeated tears and slammed doors. But it is also cuddling after your kid finally goes to bed, just resting your head on your husband's shoulder, feeling his heart beat out a steady rhythm, and letting your worries float away into the ether.

LOVE is your partner in life listening to your catastrophic thoughts and bringing you back down to earth, coming up with reasonable-sounding plans and not minding when you feel like sleeping with the stuffed animal you had since you were two, just for some extra comfort.

LOVE is mysterious pelvic pain after surgery, driving to endless doctor's appointments and prescription pick-ups. It's dealing daily with your wife's concurrent health afflictions. Often it feels more one-sided. It can be heavy and imbalanced at times, and one partner may wilt under the weight of so much caring and responsibility. It is a lot to constantly carry around your wife's chronic illnesses - physical or mental - and nobody is a saint with endless patience and goodwill. But your husband comes close.

LOVE is couple's therapy and talking it out and making the first move to speak about uncomfortable, awkward things you'd rather bury under the dirty carpet. It's owning your vibes and your words, and all the things you say with your looks and sighs and silence.
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LOVE is being the bigger person in your marriage, being the first person to reach out, trudging down the stairs late at night to hash it out, so you both won't go to bed mad, full of resentment and hurt in your hearts.

LOVE is appreciating when you have the best damn husband in the whole wide world, and wanting to be a better wife, just to reach his level of goodness, even if he's nowhere near perfect and only human, just like you, with flaws and weaknesses and maddening habits like leaving crumbs all over the counter.
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LOVE is looking past those crumbs on the counter. The hairs in the sink. The compost and recycling boxes still at the end of the driveway after two days. It's pushing all that pointless shit to one side and saying THANK GOD for this Mediterranean dish who walked into your life in 2008, pursued you with a stubbornness you still treasure to this day, and has STAYED with you and supported you in this weird and unwanted world of chronic illness. Every time you see a freshly made hot water bottle or an uplifting post-it  note stuck on your computer, it is then that you realize that you have, in fact, been infinitely blessed.
16 Comments
B. Lynn Goodwin link
1/16/2019 16:35:11

What a wonderful tribute to love. Great specifics. Thank you for sharing!

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Tara Mandarano
1/17/2019 11:52:47

Thank you so much Lynn! Appreciate you reading and taking the time to comment. :)

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Dita link
1/17/2019 01:15:23

Great post. Very refreshing in this world of horrors, blaming and negativity. You ate blessed indeed with your husband and having a loving heart yourself. That is also a gift. Dita.

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Tara Mandarano
1/17/2019 11:53:30

Thank you so much, Dita!

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Rebecca Massie link
1/17/2019 04:29:48

I know what it’s like having a fabulous husband and dealing with chronic pain on top of mental health challenges. Thank you for writing this piece. #ResourceRebecca

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Tara Mandarano
1/17/2019 11:51:49

Thank you for reading, Rebecca! Chronic pain and mental health issues are a lot to handle, but I'm glad we both have supportive men in our lives, helping us through the hurdles. :)

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Kim Smyth link
1/17/2019 06:58:41

I know what it’s like to have a man as good as yours, thank God! Thanks for sharing your story and may you have your whole lives together to enjoy each other!

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Tara Mandarano
1/17/2019 11:50:33

Thanks for reading, Kim! Glad you have a good man looking after you, as well. :)

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Leah Alexander
1/18/2019 09:07:45

Thank you. I'm sharing this with my husband. He really is my hero. Other than the fact that we don't have kids, and that he's not Mediterranean, this sounds so familiar.

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Tara Mandarano
1/18/2019 11:30:34

Thanks for reading, Leah! I'm so glad you have such a supportive guy in your life, too. :)

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Grace Garner
1/20/2019 05:01:26

This spoke to me, in so many familiar volumes. I had to respond! A few exceptions, I have 2 children by other men & they were being cared for by other people, who I entrusted them to, so I could seek help. Those instances caused my now adult children to harbor deep seeded feelings of neglect and abandonment, unfortunately. I pray they each overcome those obstacles.

However, my husband has his own battles to surpass, and then of course the challenges involved in loving me!

I forwarded your article to my husband after reading him a few paragraphs he commented, "oh boy, we can relate to that, can't we?". You see, besides my challenges, he has a few as well. He's a Vietnam veteran contaminated with Agent Orange and he is terminally debilitated due to this disease that is attacking most of his organs.

So we struggle with 2 kinds of PTSD, and each have a long list of alphabets of debilitating chronic conditions but we have a mutual struggle & gain endurance from each other that strengthens our love for each other.

So thank you, and may God continue to bless you & your family.

Grace Garner, Farnham VA.

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Tara Mandarano
1/21/2019 14:40:17

Hi Grace,

So happy to hear my article resonated so deeply with you. It sounds like you and your husband have been some really tough times, but it's great you have each other for support.

Best wishes to you and your family,
Tara

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Jen
3/14/2019 18:16:41

With PMDD and the after effects of a implanted mesh device, botched surgery and two removal surgeries, then chronic pain, I’ve recently met a guy who blows me away with his kindness. This blog made me cry in a good way. I’m really happy for you and all of us who have that saving grace.

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Tara Mandarano
3/15/2019 15:56:57

Thank you so much for reading, Jen! Glad you found someone who supports you so well. :)

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LDesk link
11/8/2019 04:00:20

It's great, reading your shared post I feel very happy

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Nursing Research Essay link
5/4/2020 02:02:48



Getting healthy is a choice, believe me, it is. Once you have decided to become healthier, then you will be able to do all sorts of stuff. I think that it is easy for people to think this way, but they just do not do it. You have to commit to the decision, if you truly want to be a healthy person. I hope that you become able to go and start doing all sorts of stuff to become a lot healthier.

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    Tara Mandarano

    is a writer, editor, and poet. Her writing ​has been nominated for the Best-of-the Net, and has appeared in The Washington Post, Huffington Post, Today's Parent, and Motherwell, among numerous other publications. She is a passionate patient advocate in the chronic pain and mental health communities. She also does on-camera interviews, and most recently shared her experience of what it's like to go through a separation during a pandemic. She graduated from Ryerson University with a degree in Journalism. Interested in her writing or editing, or want to work together? Check out her contact page. Don't forget to follow her on Twitter,  Instagram. and LinkedIn.

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